So let me ask you ladies if you meet someone and have a few dates and you are not feeling he's right for you, what do you do?
Do you ghost?
Or do you also just disappear, not answer messages, say nothing, point out their shortcomings or just stop all communication???
Or do you tell him on the first date in person that you don't see any future, or do you ring or text to thank him after the date, or do you see a need to explain the reason why you aren't attracted to him and let him know that he's not for you?
These are just questions worthy of investigation, not a judgement.
Men I coach (as well as women) tell me all the time that they have been ghosted as well, so I know men are not the only ones doing the ghosting…
Sometimes it's a fear from one or either party that comes up… and many people avoid being honest and upfront because they are not confident enough to be able to understand their own feelings, analyse what's really going on, unsure of what they are really looking for, don't know their own triggers and haven't worked through their own limitations and trust issues so they get poked.
Many people don't even know themselves and are not able to speak their truth.
Sometimes it is avoidance of pain why people generally don't want to have the uncomfortable conversations… and ghosting appears easier than confronting their own feelings or they just don't know how to do it any differently.
But ghosting feels bad… It leaves unanswered questions and if it brings up for your feelings of inadequacy or your fear that there may be something wrong with you, or anger, frustration or resentment… that gives you something to look into…
Are we always emotionally mature enough to hear if we aren't a good fit without reacting or wanting some sort of recourse? In most cases, the answer is NO!
What behaviour would you rather experience than being ghosted?
Would you rather if a man told you he's not attracted to you and the reason why or if he saw too many Red flags, or he didn't like something about you or whatever it was that he was seeing???
How would you react if that was the case?
What do you do when you meet someone but decide it's a no go?
Do you look further into it or do you go straight to justifying, blaming or complaining?
Dating is challenging!
It will bring up everything and anything that's not complete from your past… And if you do meet someone it doesn't change as your closest intimate relationship is always going to be your mirror… and the negative things you see in the other person are the things you most dislike about yourself!
I think most people always avoid confrontation and think if they are honest, they may hurt the other person's feelings… so sometimes when people ghost you they do so because they don't want to hurt you, or just know you are not their person, or don't know another way of dealing with the situation.
They may have also experienced situations in their past where people would get angry, hurt or feel rejected… and they have reacted or blamed them for it, so now they feel unsafe and have a reluctance to being honest and expressing their true feelings.
All you can do is to prepare yourself to emotionally deal with all these issues before you step out and date, otherwise unclear communication can lead to a lot of self-hurt and frustration.
If you have prepared and are ready to date hopefully you will have a plan and process for choosing the most suitable guys – the ones you will most probably gel with and you will not be dating just anyone.
When you can confidently treat them the way you'd like to be treated, you'll find it much easier to attract the right partner for you. And if you've done your due diligence, have dating boundaries, selected and screened out the guys not within your Dating Matrix, you hopefully won't find too many of them who will ghost you.
People do what they do… All you can do is be the best you can be and learn what you need to know to give you the best chance of dating successfully.
Remember that our aim when dating is for both partners to be happy and confident to proceed.
To do so requires that both parties have to feel the date was a good fit, they must feel a connection and consider it worthy of proceeding to a second date, third date etc.
Both parties have needs and wants that they are looking to have fulfilled within the relationship… and initially, you'll have no idea what they are!
So don't take it personally as it's totally natural that not everyone is going to be a good fit for you – and you will not be a good fit for them.
You don't want to get carried away and drop your guard and put on your rose coloured glasses, but you do have to be honest to yourself and others!
Being bold, confident, knowing your own self-worth and being vulnerable is required when you date.
You must also be clear on what you bring to the relationship and can offer… as it is important that both parties know what you can give as well as what they want from the other person. It's not a one-sided transaction!
Always be prepared to walk away and know there are lots more potential partners available and right for you.
Treat this initial phase as a second screening process.
By Fiona May
Relationship and Transition Coach
Contact Fiona here if you need advice on dating and getting into a great relationship: meetme.so/fionamay