If you ever find yourself thinking about your ex, read on…

Every minute you spend one minute thinking about him is one minute you are not spending time thinking about yourself and your future. It's crazy and you literally have to growl at yourself and choose a different thought every time your mind goes there.

He's controlling your thoughts because you are allowing him to and whenever you do it, you are getting a payoff. That's why people stay stuck. Your payoff is a reward and the thought that he may be unhappy, or karma will catch up with him or he'll come back or he's sorry and suffering – but it's just you wanting to be right and make him wrong.

Whilst you hold onto the judgement you can never be free.

Every time you find yourself thinking about him, STOP yourself by choosing a different thought and focus on something you can do in that minute that will benefit yourself.

You just have to accept the reality of the situation and you don't have to understand it, or get an apology from him or even know why it happened. You need none of that to be able to move on.

It's not right or wrong, it just is.  I'm not saying what some men do is right, what I mean is that's it's irrelevant what he did because it's done. What's important now is what you make it mean. We can't make anyone take responsibility or do anything else. We can just be responsible for ourselves and what we do and say. The meaning you attach to whatever happened is what is keeping you stuck. You can decide what story you attach to it and that story will either empower or disempower you. A reframe will allow you to move on and get unstuck.

In my own case, my husband left me for another woman and at first I suffered, made him wrong and wanted to punish him. I quickly realised I was the only one suffering and if I attached another meaning to it, I could let him go and I would be free to move on.

It doesn't mean I condone what or how he did it, but by not attaching a negative meaning to it, like there was something wrong with him or me, I was able to just accept it.  Because I loved him, I wanted him to be happy so I forgave him. Forgiving him allowed me to see it as an opportunity to create a new life. I started to say that he “freed me up for new opportunities”.

I'm doing things now I would never have done, met another amazing man and have never been happier. If I had stayed in the suffering I would have continued to make him wrong and not only hurt myself but continued to hurt my kids.

My two favourite sayings are, “it is what it is” and “Nothing has any meaning other than the meaning I put to it”

People do what people do and they will always convince themselves and justify their own story because we all like to be right. If you asked your ex for his side of the story, he'd have a completely logical explanation as to why he did what he did. It doesn't matter. It's all just a made up BS story so he doesn't have to be wrong.

People can be quite delusional but the reality and human nature dictate that we behave in a manner that is in line with and confirms the actions we have taken.

The suffering comes when we fight against what actually is our new reality. The dreams you had, the future you planned and how you thought your life was going to be, isn't real anymore.  Your only job now is for you to focus on your present situation and your future.

So start looking and dig deep to ask yourself what you really want and who are you now that you are not his wife. Get to know yourself, what makes you happy, what would you love to do, what can you learn, and empower yourself to move forward and create an amazing second chapter for your life.

You are all strong, intelligent beautiful women and you have so much to give and contribute.

I used to always stop myself being miserable by grounding myself and asking myself is my current behaviour moving me in the direction of my goals and are I being a great role model or am I short-changing myself by being a victim.

Gratitude is also very important because fear and love can't exist at the same time so I would take whatever I was scared to do and just do it. I knew that I would survive and I was strong. I was grateful that I was at a place and had the ability to shape my future. I knew it was up to me to chart my path ahead so I gave myself permission to dream and I gave up my excuses.

I believed with all my soul that I could have whatever I set my heart on. And I did. I astounded myself because from the minute I chose and accepted that I was 100% responsible for my own happiness, I never gave my power away again. I chose that I would not give away 1 more minute of my life to a man I had already given 30 years to, and things changed.

I made my past my bitch and used it to propel me forward.

And you can do it too. It takes courage, conviction and a badass dose of determination but on the other side is freedom.

Book a free breakthrough session with Fiona May and I'll explain how you can get over your Ex for once and for all and attract the man of your dreams easily with most clients doing it within 6 months!

Click here to book your FREE Breakthrough Call.

I hope this helps and encourages you to move on. Fiona?

 

Fiona May 

Relationship and Transition Coach

Women On Transition

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